Sometimes

Sometimes you wonder what is it that you need to do.

What is it that will make you happy? Content? Or maybe just satisfied?

Alas this simple question has so many complex answers and none of these are completely right!

Sometimes you wonder what was that went wrong?

Sometime you can tell exactly what it was and sometimes this question keeps you up the whole night, and even the rising sun and the bright light can’t help you find the answer.

Sometimes you wonder, why it was you who had to go through this pain.

And sometimes you feel lucky to get out!

Sometimes you feel all powerful for all the decisions you took and sometimes you feel powerless for all the things that you couldn’t do.

Sometimes it was the absolutely right thing to do, and sometimes it was a catastrophe of biblical scale!

What is it that makes me so unsure of it all? 

And what is it that makes me comfortable with my past?

If only I had the answers to all questions, that I ask myself. Or is it that I’m asking the wrong questions because I already have all the answers?

I’m a man who walked the lonely road, not consciously but rather accidentally.

I was the one who was lost in the crowd but always with my company even when alone!

I was the Villain of my own Superhero movie, I was the reason of my own insanity.

I’m the man who ran from his own shadows, into the darkness never to be found.

I am the man who tried to follow the light and burnt himself in the fire of a million suns.

Oh sometime I wish I was just me, so I could meet myself without the masks of Gibran.

Sometimes I wish I knew who I was or why I was!

Sometimes I wonder who am I or why am I?

Sometimes I want to know the answers, and sometimes I just want to fade away in blessed haze of ignorance.

दूर

वोह बुलंदिआ भी क्या बुलंदियां हैं
 जिन पर चढ़ कर गुरूर ना हो
 वोह दूरियाँ भी क्या दूरियां हैं
 जहां आदान की आवाज़ सुनाई देती है
 वह दरिया भी क्या कोई दरिया है
 जिसका साहिल दूर कश्ती से आवाज़ें मारता हो
 वह जनत भी क्या जनत है
 जहां पहुँचने की कीमत ज़िन्दगी हो
 कभी इंदर से पूछना अगर रास्ता खो जाओ
 उसने हर राह से वास्ता पाला है
मानना या न मानना उसकी बात
पर एक बार रुक कर सुनते चलना
उस मयखाने से फासला बना के रखना
 जहां से कुछ लड़खड़ाते पैर न निकलते हो
 कुछ उन लोगों से मुंसिफ रहना
 जो भीड़ को अपने साथ ले चलते हों
 वो परछाई भी जालसाज़ है
 जो अँधेरे की पहली करवट पर सिरा बदलती हो
 पर अगर किसी की धुन पर नाचने का दिल करे
 तोह पैरों की ज़ंजीरें तोड़ते चलना

The Bet

The FIFA World Cup 2010 is here, and with that comes the shifting of Loyalities from different EPL teams to following their heroes to their national teams[ mind you India doesn't have a football team which they could follow to a WC, or a player that could be followed in EPL!!! ;)]
but then what would a population of a billion+ cricket fans do in this period, we really cant ignore this whole mega event, and the few football supporters that we have they wont let us,. so we changes our strategy. Since most ppl[including myself] really not follow that much football, we "pick" our teams and follow them as as soon they are kicked out we "pick" another one. Mind you we pick teams according to our own personalities as well, a laid back, but talented person will support an equally laid back France, a meticulous organized guy will go for Germany,on with a Flair and a spirit will go for Brazil, etc etc ...
Even i follow this pattern almost every time, but ,oh yeah there is a but, other wise i wouldn't be writing this!!. This time around i decided to put some bets on these games, well that has certainly increased my interest in the WC, I analyze the team composition ,the strategies ,do my prematch "Googling" , make comparative charts of players and then come to completely contradictory conclusions!!! Again i have no choice other than to put my bet on the underdogs!!!

You wont believe how fun and satisfying this process of betting is!!!! It gives the feeling that you are rising to the challenge, fighting against odds[literally]..
alas not everyone thinks like that, and they frown upon great sports analysts ;)
But hey, don't we all do the same thing in our daily lives??? We gather info, analyze that ,reach a conclusion and then act accordingly, so whats the big deal if you put some fun factor into it, and mind you this stuff is way less risky than the decisions we take in our daily lives.

But who cares as long this is fun, not pulling to much money rather than bringing in ,it's okay to carry on.

the wrong turn

You've dreamed all your life of a sunny day, a nice breeze hitting your face, the sand in your feet, endless ocean in front of you, feeling the coziness, feeling the freedom you've always wanted.... yes thats what you have thought of all your life, But all you get is a cold, wet feeling on a damp night, surrounding by darkness all around you, the feeling of being left alone in the middle of nowhere, where nobody but you can help you, but you're too scared to do anything..

That is the point when you realize that you have taken a wrong turn somewhere down the lane, you look for a ray of light to show you the right path, but there simply isn't any. You feel lower than the lowest of all life forms, you cant even think clearly, cant even feel,n more over you don't even know what to do, or where to look for, or whom to turn for help, but as it is nobody but you can help you, but it seems that have become comfortably numb, you succumb to the pain, and let it be a part of yourself, your body, you soul, your everything...

Only then the threads of whatever courage or bits of it that are left in you, they stir up the wounded you, they try to shake up the layers of defeats & losses that you have faced, try to make you stand for the last battle, they try to make you fight ... to atleast go down with the honour and pride that you thought was what you had stood for....

You know that you're a fallen warrior, no matter what strength you may get at this point it will not help you, but you know that you're not the one who will go down without fighting..

You try to stand up on you wobbly knees, hard and painful it may be but you give it your last if not the best shot....It hurts at each nerve, but you know it's your final battle, n you know you'll get peace and tranquility after this one, which no one will be able to take away from you.... So you stand..

You look around, try to grope, because you cant see a thing in this pitch black..
Once you start moving on the rocky n muddy road, you know this is some place where you've traveled before, You try to look for the wrong turn, you cant find it... you try to keep on walking, but you fall down, you had thought that you seen the pain , and it couldn't be worse, but it can be and it is, it's been long since when you have crossed that point when you can tell that if it hurting more or less....

The pieces of your tormented broken soul tell you to keep fighting, they tell you stand up and walk..
you push out your face from the dust, put your hands on the ground, push you feet in the ground.. and you stand again

Again you keep looking for the wrong turn, you keep on walking on the longest and harshest journey of life... and there you are, at the very point you started...the same dreadful dark place....

You feel dejected, lost and even more down..

Your knees begin to shiver, you eyes begin to drowse, you start falling again..
it seems everything is happening in a slow motion, all your life plays in front in front of your eyes...

You try to see the wrong turn, where it all had begun....you try to look for your one mistake....
And you see it, there was no wrong turn, really there never was...
you were traveling on the wrong path, all the time, where you have reached was not the result of a single wrong turn, but the path that you had consciously taken,

the moment you see it, you see a small glimmer, the briefest of sparks, but you know it is more than what you need, everything is getting clearer...

you stand again, you feel the strength in you, that you never knew had it in you..
you start walking towards the light, it's getting brighter, it feels warm as you walk towards it, the dampness is going away , its getting replaced by the best feeling in your life...
you feel light, you feel you can run, you start running towards the light, the small spot of light has become a huge ball and it keeps on getting bigger, as you get closer to it, you know that this is what you've wanted all your life, now the light is closer to you much closer than you've ever dreamt about...

now your inches away from it, and you suddenly stop at the spot.

you know this is it.

you take the last step, not towards the light, but into it.

Your the light. The light is you. You are everything and everything is you.

You are what you are.

i m back , tryin once sgain to put my thoughts into words, a complex process beginnig in my brain ........

these days i've been mostly thinking bout the relegion & its grip on me
i m not able to absorb a single valid point out of all the prachings that r being thrown at me
i mean if there is s true relegion how m i suppose to know it???? as in christians the church is using its own version differen t from gospels...,the muslims are tryin to fight the whole world to convert everyone into their own relegion , the monks dont gave a damn about nyone they r too busy& pleased with themselves, hindus r scared of the western influences , rest other relegions are also in quite a screw......

as of now if a person wants to begin his life fro a new day m starting all over again what would be the rigth path for him , i mean the quetion about the presence of god is sumthin we've not even discussed , but still there r so many controversies...
if there were a god then why would he decide to send so many sons ,messengers, incarnations to a tiny planet where centuries later blood will be spilled over the question that whose relegion is better......

nyways at the beginning ogf this post i was plannin to write about the types of behaviour ppl do when they r high & out of control but tit seems that more importany matters were in my head to discuss first....:)

what do you want from me??????
this is what i have been asking myself for the last few months .....
what should a person aim for in his life in case he doesnt dreams of flying aircrafts, racing f1 cars,
becoming a ceo, a business tycoon, or sumthin to look upto, what should we call such a person ??? a one with lack of dreamz,(nnah i just have too much of em), lack of talent( n believe me i have just too much of it too :))
or may be it's just the way we are being to made to look up at the world, never believing that it will look the way we want it to be...
getting back to the point
till now i have swept in the the current alongside my peers , never realised where i am going???
some vague ideas do come about money,fame .power, & i mday dreaming about these things for a few days afterwords , but for the most of the time i roam aimlessly
my condition becomes more confusingas being an agnostic ( sumtimes atheist) i cant put the blame for my aimless roaming or what one may call fate on sum higher divine power, ,which brings the load of making the right choice back on my shoulders
will i make THE right decision or wont i
but then in the randomness and chaos that we live in, it wont matter n anything i do is bound to be good.... isnt that the thing we are supposed to believe in the old fella upatairs.. ;)
the bottomline being i'm still confused n going on strongly